Sitting in my warm house with all our stuff. Made a cup of tea. Looked at all the stuff in the fridge – a full refrigerator – and had the thought that many people don’t have full fridges like this. Many people open a fridge door hoping to see plenty of food only to find that they have the last quart of milk, maybe some kind of meat, maybe some kind of vegetable. If they live where they can get vegetables, that is. Then my thoughts stumble over the look at the elephant in the fridge, er, in the room – that I should be doing something to help people who don’t have enough to eat.
As I write this, letting it grow from a thought to a confession, I feel this guilt about not doing more now, already. The guilt makes me sad. And I know this sadness because I’ve felt it before – it is a sadness whose companion is inaction. Guilt and inaction, really. I feel guilty and that prevents action. Is that causal or concurrent? I feel guilty about many things and still take action, such as eating an entire box of Oreos – I felt the guilt when I bought them, yet I ate them. Truly, the $3.39 I spent on them I could have saved, put with some other money and sent to a hunger relief organization. I could have taken that box of cookies across the street to the food pantry and not opened them at all. Maybe that’s a different kind of guilt? Or not guilt at all, but shame? No shame would be the inaction. Guilt would still be the main feeling.
I don’t need to analyze it to know that there are times when I feel something and I need to take action, and other times when I feel I need to not take action. Helping people – take action. Eating a whole box of cookies – don’t take action.
This morning I read an article on Medium as well as the posted replies to the article and am feeling really dumb. It was about math, education, and how it is geared toward “whiteness.” The fact that it was about math isn’t the reason I feel dumb, but the way the article was written and the challenges to the facts in the article through the replies and responses that make me feel like, WTF am I doing thinking I can write a blog??
I don’t feel like I know how to write a convincing argumentative essay, or just plain essay. The author was able to defend his words by pointing out things in his essay and in the poster’s response that made sense to me. Will I be able to write something that is defensible?
I find myself allowing scattered thoughts around a huge to-do list of my own making to take me away from pursuing the meandering thought that I’d like to concentrate on in my writing. I got up this morning with this journal in-hand, thinking that I’d write something that I could later transfer to my blog – something pithy, interesting, would make people stop and read for five minutes.
This morning I was putting on a pair of socks that were not really made for women with size 11 feet. If I get the heel of the sock in the right place, my toes are all cramped up. So as I tried to find the right spot for the heel to match my heel and my toes not to cry out in agony, I thought, “This is ridiculous. It is time to stop wearing socks that don’t fit!”
I’ve often worn socks that don’t fit. Suffered for it, but wore them again and again. Why? Why wear socks that are too small? To feel like I’m a “normal” person, to fit in, to be part of the crew? Well, phooey, I say. Time to get socks that fit.